About the Author xi
Acknowledgments xiii

Introduction: The Question Every Coach Is Asking 1
What Resistance Is Telling Us 4
The Impact on Children 5
How to Use This Book 8

1 What We Call Resistance: The Iceberg Beneath the Behavior 11
Behavior Is the Surface 12
Resistance Requires Two Forces 14
The Four Emotions to Recognize 17
The Core Human Needs 22
How You Raise Your Hand 32

2 Your Half of the Resistance: The Inner Work of the Coach 37
Face Your Own Resistance 39
The Strain Built Into the Role 41
The Stories We Tell 43
Your Triggers 45
Which of Your Needs Feel Vulnerable 48
What Your Resistance Looks Like 50
The Space Between Trigger and Response 53
The Transformational Coaching Dispositions 54
Turn Toward Yourself 58

3 How to Coach the Emotions Beneath Resistance: The ACE Framework 61
Emotions Go Underground 62
A: Acknowledge Emotions 68
C: Cultivate Compassion 73
E: Expand the Story 80
Examples of ACE in Coaching Conversations 84
Example Two: Full ACE Sequence 86
Five Resistance Scenarios 94
When You Don't Know What to Say 100

4 What's in the Way: The Gaps Framework 103
Different Resistance, Different Response 105
The Gaps Framework 107
The Will Gap 110
Passive and Active Resistance 113
Seeing the Gap I'd Missed 117
Two Cases of Misdiagnosis 122
Now Pick Up the Mirror 128

5 Widen the Lens: Power, Identity, and the Systems We Work Within 131
Power in a Coaching Relationship 134
Required Coaching, Required PD 139
When the Teacher Is Right 142
Coaching Without a Program 146
Coaching across Lines of Identity Difference 149
Coaching in Toxic Cultures 152
Spheres of Influence 156
When You Have to Act 159

6 Resistance in a PD Session: The Three Moves 165
How a Room Differs from One-on-One Coaching 167
Notice What's Happening in You 169
Get Curious about What's Underneath 172
Respond Out Loud 174
Slow Down 178
The Three Moves in Real Time 181
A Starter Phrasebook 185
It's Not Personal 189

7 Refilling the Reserves: Coaching the Depleted Teacher 191
Where Resistance Comes From 192
Begin with Belonging 195
Beyond Bubble Baths 197
Find the Bright Spots 200
Activate Agency 204
Change the Story 209
Reading the Depletion 212
Drop Your Hand 216

Conclusion: Choose Love 221
Appendix A: The Core Emotions 225
Appendix B: Coaching Sentence Stems for ACE 229
Index 233