Acknowledgments vii
Introduction ix
Part 1 Why Can't We All Just Get Along?
Chapter 1 What the Experts Say 3
Chapter 2 The Dark Side of Human Nature 16
Chapter 3 Why We Secretly Love to Hate 23
Chapter 4 Three Ideas That Can Change Your Life 31
Part 2 Diagnosing Your Relationship
Chapter 5 How Good Is Your Relationship? The Relationship Satisfaction Test 41
Chapter 6 What Do You Really Want? 47
Chapter 7 The Price of Intimacy 51
Chapter 8 The Relationship Journal 65
Chapter 9 Good Communication vs. Bad Communication 70
Chapter 10 How We Control Other People 80
Chapter 11 Three Troubled Couples 86
Part 3 How to Develop Loving Relationships with the People You Care About
Chapter 12 The Five Secrets of Effective Communication 95
Chapter 13 The Disarming Technique 100
Chapter 14 Thought and Feeling Empathy 115
Chapter 15 Inquiry: "Did I Get That Right?" 128
Chapter 16 "I Feel" Statements 134
Chapter 17 Stroking: "I-It" vs. "I-Thou" Relationships 140
Chapter 18 Putting It All Together: Solutions to Common Relationship Problems 150
Part 4 Making the Five Secrets Work for You
Chapter 19 Mastering the Five Secrets 177
Chapter 20 Using the Five Secrets in Real Time: The Intimacy Exercise 180
Chapter 21 Intimacy Training for Couples: The One-Minute Drill 186
Part 5 Common Traps-and How to Avoid Them
Chapter 22 "Help! The Five Secrets Didn't Work!" 193
Chapter 23 Helping and Problem Solving 203
Chapter 24 Hiding Your Head in the Sand: Conflict Phobia and Anger Phobia 209
Chapter 25 Apologizing: "Can't I Just Say, 'I'm Sorry'?" 217
Chapter 26 Submissiveness: "I Must Please You" 221
Chapter 27 Resistance Revisited: "Why Should I Have to Do All the Work?" 232
Part 6 Advanced Techniques
Chapter 28 Changing the Focus: Is There an Elephant in the Room? 237
Chapter 29 Positive Reframing: Opening the Door to Intimacy-and Success 243
Chapter 30 Multiple-Choice Empathy: How to Talk to Someone Who Refuses to Talk to You 251
Appendix: Your Intimacy Toolkit 257
Index 267